i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
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[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!