I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
You Might Also Like
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
new wife guy just dropped
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.