Krampus.
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My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Great Canadian literature.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP