My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
You Might Also Like
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.