“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
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Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
My last name is Zilla.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…