“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
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You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Sorry I made promises on Friday
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Breaking news:
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.