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one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.