We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
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From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Sooo many times…..
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.