“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
You Might Also Like
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
there’s probably a fee though
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears