Worth a try
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Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
mmm onion ringos
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too