“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
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There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.