STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
just left a huge legacy in there
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”