Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
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God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Great Canadian literature.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism