Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
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ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Why am I like this?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
58.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight