sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
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Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches