The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
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Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Selfie
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
this is uni
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.