DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
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For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.