My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
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[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me