He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
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a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?