My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
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5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.