4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
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there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”