My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
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me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.