“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
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I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
The Onion called it…again.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
can I use a minion as a tampon
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess