Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
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Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
#parenting
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out