Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
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Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy