There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
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My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
✌🏽
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*