“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
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I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
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Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?