[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
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History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.