CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
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If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
This is the one
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
dutch so unserious
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.