Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
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in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.