Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
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I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.