I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
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anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
*skinny dips into black hole
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]