Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
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I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma