Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
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I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
My blood type is coffee.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.