Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
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Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
nobody’s gonna understand
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]