To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
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It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
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