[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
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According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number