I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
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Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.