A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
You Might Also Like
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt