[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
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My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
My dog learned how to text
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage