[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
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If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.