[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
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My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.