“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
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none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.