Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.