Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
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HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
yeah no that’s fair
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?