I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
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My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I love it all
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons