What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
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The days of good grammer has went
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right