Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
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People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!