Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
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Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Whoa 😂
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.