Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
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[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.